Beware! Evil!

This post is sponsored by the Church of the Orange Sky.

Years ago, Focus on the Family head James Dobson published Bringing Up Boys. Then he published a truly bizarre guide to preventing your male children from growing up gay. Among other elements, possible solutions included fathers taking the time to shower with their sons, and fathers teaching their sons to pound pegs into holes. Fun!

Ever since then, I've been eagerly awaiting Dobson's follow-up masterpiece, Bringing Up Girls. And at long last, he's finally delivering! This month, in his classic monthly newsletter, Dobson provided an excerpt from the manuscript of the new book. I eagerly linked to the letter in hopes of finding out how to prevent girls from becoming lesbians, but unfortunately the provided excerpt seems to have nothing to do with girls specifically, and more to do with the necessity of protecting all your children from the pedophiles lurking just outside your front door.

To summarize Dobson's argument in fifty words or less:

Be afraid! Fear! Fear! There are predators everywhere! The world is worse than it used to be! If you're not careful, your daughters might go out and have sex!

Dobson, of course, uses more colourful metapors. He explains that our kids are "little bunny rabbits running through the meadow." Parents are "their only defenders" in a world of evil "predators" and "ultimate killers." If you're not careful to "fill the void" in your children's lives, they might seek "the warm company of other bunnies." That is one kick-ass euphemism.